I just got off of Skype with B after spending hours laughing and watching Netflix simultaneously.
I love being out here to live out my dreams and explore new parts of myself. I love having the option to start over and create new habits for myself. What I do not love is feeling this alone.
It sounds so luxurious to be living in LA and going to a well-known fashion school. But it's not all glitter and gold. I am surrounded by unfamiliar territory every time I walk out of my door. I feel like every one around me is in on this big secret and I'm the person they're keeping it from.
I deeply know that this is my path and this is what is right for me, but this level of loneliness is deafening. This heart-stopping stillness is sometimes defeating. This is nothing compared to traveling across the world with a group of strangers. At least then we were all in it together. Now, it's just me.
I understand that this will get better and I will grow and learn to rip myself from being dependent of others and learn to rely on myself for stability. It will just take time. For now, I'm just sad and lonely. This too shall pass.
Your strong and amazing. Keep up the blogging. Love you girlie and so excited for your journey ahead. Don't forget about me when your famous!!
ReplyDeleteWhen I moved to Houston I had no idea how lonely I would possibly feel. Not to be discouraging; but I felt that way for nearly 2 years. Here is the good part. It taught me to appreciate myself, to explore, to be creative. Lots of time to read, to do things only you are able when no one is obligating you to dinner, dancing, a gala, etc., During this time I longed for friendships and it gave me time to really ponder on what type of person, friend, and/or partner I wanted to be. And as I started meeting people, I grew close with them quickly and I now have several solid family friends. Endure and Enjoy Kyeshia. I am proud of you for following your dreams and I must admit, this is exactly what I always imagined you doing. Embrace the independence and adventure!
ReplyDeleteThank you graciously for your advice and your encouragement. You don't know how much I appreciate it. This whole process is an amazing, terrifying, liberating thing that is so brand new to me. I've spent a few days trying to wrap my brain around what's happening and I've realized that the person that packed up her room in Utah isn't here anymore and this brand new me is emerging. I'm learning how to love a new me and how to deal with a brand new set of thought processes. I also learned that much of my sadness stems from not wanting to release that part of myself and I want to hold on to comfort. But I'm learning and progressing each day to learn more about my new self and accept whatever comes to light.
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